Second Time Around – Wedding Etiquette

What’s appropriate?

Nowadays appropriateness isn’t nearly as much of an issue as it was three or four decades ago. While there are guidelines for wedding etiquette, it’s rally up to you to decide on the form and content of you wedding. Being able to do what you like is something most second-timers find very liberating.

Just be sure that you respect the feelings of others, including ex-spouses. Have the courtesy to tell them you’re remarrying (especially if you have children together). If you’re having a church wedding, make sure there are no restrictions on divorcees remarrying. Some faiths have rules about this.

How do we include our kids?

Children are a fundamental concern when you’re marrying again. Once you’re engaged, it’s important that your kids be the first to hear the news. You’ll probably have a fair idea of how they’ll react, but even so, it might be best if each of you delivers the news separately to your respective children to allow them the opportunity to react spontaneously and discuss any fears of concerns they have. While it’s likely they’ll be thrilled for you, don’t underestimate the impact such an announcement might have on some kids. Unbeknown to you, they may have had secret hopes of you reuniting with their other parent, and news of a marriage to someone else could come as a crushing disappointment.

Second weddings are often not just about two people joining in marriage, but also about the creation of a new family. You might want to reflect this in your ceremony by including your children in different ways. They could escort you down the aisle, be included in the exchange of vows or I a special blessing, or be part of a unity candle-lighting ceremony. Family vows, where stepparents pledge their love and support to each other’s children are an emotional and public way of cementing a strong family bond.

Whatever you choose to do, be sure to talk to your kids beforehand and make sure they’re comfortable with the arrangements. As hard as it may be, it’s important to respect their wishes if they just don’t want to be involved.

Should I invite my ex in-laws?

This entirely depends on the nature of your relationship. You may still be on excellent terms with certain members of your ex’s family. Provided it doesn’t make your new partner uncomfortable, invite whomever you wish. Again, it comes down to respect. If there’s any doubt, leave the ex-family in the past.

Those who were widowed may still have a very close relationship with their former parents-in-law. By all means invite them to your wedding, but don’t be offended if they decide not to come.

This could be difficult time for them emotionally.